Finding perspective in the haze.

When all you see is smoke...

           

                I squint to look at my students as they sit in the haze that has seemed to encompass the entire room. They sit hunched over their midterm examinations struggling to remember things we learned during this quarter. Today I taught them the phrase, “It’s just not my day.” Because it hasn't been my day. In fact, I've had a few of those days recently. Perhaps you have also.
                The past few days everything has been a sort of smoky haze. No one is really sure what’s causing it. I've included a picture of the view from my window taken on different days this fall. The picture in the top left corner was taken yesterday afternoon after things had cleared up some. Before it cleared, it was impossible to even see the ground looking from 11th floor or to see another building. (Today it was even harder to see while we were actually walking outside. Many of my students didn't even come to class.) I don’t share these pictures for you to think, “Poor them ... I could never live there...” So, if this is your thought and you fail to at least attempt to see another perspective, it feels like you’ll have missed the point.
                Today I've been reminded of the time when Father led his people with a cloud by day. I don’t know what the cloud looked like, I don’t know if it smelled, tasted or if it made it so they couldn't see but a few feet in front of them. Honestly, I don’t think I've ever given it much thought before now. I wonder if sometimes he does protect us with His cloud. He helps us to see only what’s needed so we’ll stay with Him in the present and we’ll trust Him with the future. 

How do you handle things when it feels like you’re walking through the smoky cloud and you can’t see the future clearly?

                Thank you for your pr’s and support. This month is bringing me to my knees and it's nice to have company there! We're all looking forward in Hope that the rain will come soon to help the smoke to settle. In the meantime, while I sit inside it gives me more time for introspection which is strangely helping bring perspective.

Begin with the end in mind.

Begin with the end in mind.

I remember this phrase was reiterated during training last year. This year as I am again preparing to teach courses I’ve never had before I am reminding myself of the statement’s value. I remember last year during the middle of the semester when it hit me- I have to grade these guys!

How do I grade them?

How do I evaluate their learning?

What have they been learning?

What have I been teaching?

Feel overwhelmed, I did! I still do!!

So, I told myself I’d be different this year! I would begin with the end in mind. I had hoped to know what I would be teaching and a little about my student’s level and interests before I met them on the first day of class. Suffice it to say, that didn’t really happen. So here I am sitting, struggling over what direction to take the courses and what I should do for lessons on Monday. I’m feeling the pressure! 

This semester I am teaching all non-English majors. Some of my students have English levels that allow us to have extended conversations, others I can’t even get to speak to me. They are studying all different majors (ranging from law, finance, and virtual reality to underwater acoustics, mechanical engineering and topics they don’t even know how to say in English). Thus, their interests and motivations for learning English vary also. I had hoped this semester I would have smaller class sizes. 

I honestly don’t know how many students I actually have because the class rosters haven’t been set by the school yet. The school told me the students can kind of choose the section of the class they want to be in (aka shop for their teacher from among all the foreign teachers) within the first few weeks of school, then the school will give me a roster. 

So for now,  I have a list of the names of the people who decided to come to my classes for the first week. We’ll see who chooses to come this week!

I’m not sure if you’ve ever taught a class before or if you’ve ever been given an almost blank slate that includes a textbook with over-expressive British speakers that sound a little too enthusiastic and asked to prepare a class for a large, mixed levels class. If you have, perhaps you can empathize with my present situation. Or perhaps you’ll look at me and wonder what the problem is and why it is Saturday night and I don’t have a plan for class on Monday. For those of you in the later camp, let me try to explain.

It’s not that I’ve been ignoring the need to make these executive teacher decisions. I’ve been thinking about them a lot. Possibly too much! I’ve been watching video clips to choose ones appropriate to use in class and I’ve been working on creating meaningful homework assignments. But, then I pause, sit back and ask myself if it’s actually doable. 

Do I actually have 600 minutes to listen to students’ video or audio files of conversations in the first quarter alone? Not to mention second quarter!

Can I actually expect my students to look up these video clips online and to come prepared to discuss them?

And, how the heck am I going to grade all these students?

I know I shouldn’t get hung up on the fact that I have only 8 weeks with about 120 of my students. The school wants to utilize our foreigner-ness so, for my post-graduate classes I will only teach the students for 8 weeks, then I will teach a new group of students for the remaining 8 weeks. 

Begin with the end in mind.

You know, I think that’s what Papa did. He began with the end in mind. He knew the choices we would make that would break His heart. He knew the costs that lied ahead when He gave us the ability to make decisions. He knew how special it would be when we decided to return to Him.

Begin with the end in mind.

There is a feeling of urgency as I prepare these courses. For the post-graduate course I have only 8 weeks with these students. One week has already passed and the last week will be devoted to their final examination. So, we’re left with only six weeks. 

I want my students to learn in this course.

I want them to grow.

I want them to ask questions, to find answers and to ask more questions.

I want them to be challenged to think critically.

I want them to grow in their confidence.

Most importantly I want them to know Love and Grace.

With only six weeks and about 40 students in each class it doesn’t provide a lot of time for me to have one-on-one conversations to really hear from each of the students. I also feel like there’s not a lot of room for failure or flopped activities.

For example, the homework assignment I’ve designed to be worth 10% of their total class grade necessitates that I assign and explain the assignment this week and each week a group presents their assignment for a grade. I’ve never done an assignment like this, so I’m nervous that if it flops or it happens to challenge them too much there’s not a lot of extra time to regroup and to change direction.

Begin with the end in mind.

How do you begin with the end in mind?

I'll close with a poem I think I'm going to be using as part of my homework assignments this year. Perhaps it speaks more eloquently the thoughts I've just spewed out.

 

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

The value of friendship. How this summer is exceeding my expectations.

Expectations - Exceeded.

Before coming back to America for the summer I thought a lot about what my expectations should be. I considered what parts of readjustment would be easy and what would be difficult. I thought about how sweet it would be to hold my niece again, to hug my friends, but also about how it might be awkward seeing some people who I had had minimal interaction with during the year. It's true a lot happens when you're living overseas, but what I think we overlook sometimes is how much is really happening here on the day-to-day home-front.

As summer is drawing to a close, I'm glad it's tough to say good-bye. It means that by Papa's grace I still have relationships with people in America. It does make it bitter sweet though. I truly appreciate the time I have had to meet with folks, to share stories, to listen to stories and to marvel about the incredible nature of Papa. Feeling blessed.

Now I'm beginning my final weeks in America for the year. I look into the future and I can easily start to stress about all the work that comes August 19th and the weeks following. For now, though, I'm just going to sit and appreciate all the friendships Papa has brought into my life with people who challenge me to grow, ask difficult questions, care about how I'm doing and who love Him. I thank him for the people He's been placing along the journey who have, whether they realized it or not, been used to teach me and grow me. Thank you all for an incredible summer. My love tank is feeling full!

If we haven't been able to touch base yet, there is still time. Send me a message! I'd love to connect!

Lora

How to say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye when it feels like you just said hello?

We were warned by veterans in the field that the final month would sneak up on us. They weren't lying. I remember writing a blog post about the last 90 days I spent in America. I remember writing about our first 100 days here. Now, I get to write about what I see for the last 19 days in this city (last 24 in this country). I'm not ready.

I've never liked goodbyes. If I had my way I'd never say goodbye, I'd just quietly go away so as to not have to see someone being sad. It's not that I'm never sad to leave places, for me it's just easier to avoid the tears. As a team we've been discussing goodbyes.

How do you say goodbye to students who you enjoy?

How do you say goodbye to the students who sleep, paint their nails or do their makeup during your class?

 How do you say goodbye to a team you've grown to love in spite of initial differences?

How do you say goodbye to the gracious people at the copy shop, the shops downstairs, the fruit and veggie stands, the nai cha couple? -- I only know how to say Zai chen (see you later), I don't know how to say, "Cat man, I appreciate your willingness to talk to me about your calico cat and to try finding her for me in the winter."

This week I am giving finals. It's neat to see how much some of the students have grown. I must trust that the seeds that were planted this year will grow and mature.

Goodbyes, I don't like you.

A "colorful" story from class

Inputting grades at the end of the semester. Found the story I've been meaning to share. How would you grade it? Assignment was to tell an interesting story using past tense verbs.

DISCLAIMER: I didn't teach the phrases or vocabulary used in the story.

The following story is the unedited, original version written by a freshmen college student.

Someday, there were some boys in the field playing football. They were laughing, running and shouting. While they were playing, a little girl was coming. She gave the freedom of a bird. Unfortunately, the bird didn’t seem like flying in the sky, but it liked flying over the boys' head. The little girl confused at that time. Why not fly away? Suddenly, the bird shitted joyfully and then flying far away. Still then, the girl nodded and said, "I see." touched One of the boys realized this thing, his hair and being angry, "Who did this horrible thing to me? How dare someone crap on me. I'll get him for this!!" And, Why me??

You never know what you'll be reading when you sit down to grade!

I'm going to miss these students.

Ever hearing, but never understanding ...

Does Father still use visions and give directives today? It seems like they happened all the time in the book of Acts. At that time people followed them. 

Maybe we just aren't listening.

This thought was posed during supper tonight has caused me to think about what it means to hear and follow the voice of the Spirit. Hang with me while I attempt to paint a picture of the context I'm coming from. 

Several days ago for lunch I decided to visit our campus’ version of Chick-fil-a. I always order the same thing, a chicken sandwich which I point to and attempt to say “chicken sandwich” (in Chinese) and I point to the potato smiles (they don’t have fries). In my limited understanding of their exuberant, yet condescending shouting of Chinese and dramatic pointing and gesturing, I believe they think I am quite strange for ordering this combination. 

Normally, a grandmother and her grown son run the shop (sometimes the little grandson is around too looking into the fryers at eye-level). However, the other day it was only the grandmother. She managed to communicate to me that the bill would need to be charged in two separate deductions (one for the sandwich: 9 yuan, one for the potato smiles: 5 yuan). Since apparently 14 yuan couldn’t be charged in one bill. (Don't waste your one 'why' question!)

Okay, I thought, that’s not a big deal.

--- As a side note, I don’t always eat Western food. It’s my treat as a pick-me-up on tough days. ---

Being her only customer of the morning (as I was ordering my meal before the lunchtime rush) one of the ladies, a dishwasher, walks into the little shop (it’s literally in the crevice underneath a stairwell). She begins to shout/yell Chinese at me (as if speaking louder helps me understand more … it doesn’t). Her hands are flying to-and-fro as she discusses something about me with the Chick-fil-a grandma. They keep pointing to me, my backpack and my shoes. I’m at a loss for Chinese words to tell them. All I can understand is I’m doing or have done something wrong or I’m dressed in a manner that doesn’t meet their standards or I …

I kept thinking, ‘Man, how long will it take for the oil to heat up so the chicken can cook. The light for the fryer doesn’t even look like it’s turned on. I feel awkward, ashamed, judged …. I’m wearing my winter coat, I have it completely zipped up (even though it’s technically above freezing at noon). I’m still wearing a pair of long-johns (but they can’t see them). Oh, and I’m wearing my cute dress socks (because sometimes you just need a pick-me-up when you’ve had a couple tough days) and my comfortable flats because after standing for 6 hours a day my legs hurt if I haven’t been wearing good shoes.’

I'm still not sure what they were trying to tell me that day. (I think maybe it had to deal with them thinking I didn’t have on warm enough shoes since they could see my socks). 

Why do I share this story and how does it connect to the question posed at the beginning of this post?

Well, I think the Spirit is speaking. And maybe, we are even hearing His voice. But, hearing alone doesn’t always cut it. I can hear Chinese all day long, but it doesn’t mean I understand what people are saying. Does this make me stupid? Well, sometimes I feel stupid and illiterate. But, I don’t believe I’m stupid. I simply haven’t learned the language to listen, speak, read and write it fluently. I can understand simple phrases and instructions, but if you add any details I'm lost.

So, how do we learn the language He speaks?

I believe learning a language requires:

A) Availability – I need to be available, willing and desiring to learn. A teacher can teach all day, but if the student doesn’t want to learn then they won’t learn.

B) Intimacy – I have to immerse myself in the presence of the language and thus the presence of the one speaking the language. This is often intimidating!

C) Willingness to take risks – To learn a language just for the sake of saying I’m bilingual doesn’t seem to serve a purpose unless I’m willing to use the language I learn. For Chinese, if I learn a new phrase such as, “You are a good cook” it’s important for me to share it with the person who’s a good cook as a word of encouragement. For communication with the Spirit, I think it’s important for it to be glorifying to Father and edifying to the Body. Using a new language is risky business, but necessary if we hope to improve in fluency.

“This is why I speak to them in parables: ‘Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah…’” – Matt. 13: 13-14a

I don’t claim to be fluent in other languages. But I wish to be. I want to hear and understand the words others share. 

I’m willing to embrace the difficulties of the journey ahead. Are you?

Strength for the Journey. Courage for the Days Ahead.

Favorite song from this week:
"What Joy (Psalm 146)"

Winter Holiday (January-February 2013) Recap:

1. Reunion of friends. Meeting their friends and families.
2. Chinese family culture. Being invited with graciousness to experience family life with several families.
3. Bu yao (Don't want)! - Said repeatedly to a middle-aged man sitting next to me on a plane who tried to kiss me and hold my hand. --- This isn't the norm. ---
4. Sweating! Thailand is warm. It's been such a blessing to be reunited with the Body and to spend time outside without a coat on.
5. Rest and Restoration. The pillar of fire has been over this place this week.

Sometimes friends say it better than I can. Check out my friend Laura's reflections on this week.

Be blessed!

Lora